Why Are Decisions SOOOO Hard To Make??!?!

Heyoo!

So if you don't know, I'm currently finishing up my first year of university (one more exam, hurray!). At the moment I am in the Concurrent Education program, which means that I'm taking my BA and my BEd simultaneously, and I don't have to reapply for Teacher's College in my 5th year. Living the dream, right?

Wrong.

Let's rewind a little.

You see, all through my life, I've gone through possible career paths like I go through a chocolate bar (breakneck speed, gotta love chocolate!). When I was younger, I wanted to be a vet because I loved animals, but then when I discovered that vets had to put animals down, I quickly changed my mind. Killing animals, sick or not, was NOT an option for me. I went through several other options after that, and then when I was in high school I decided I wanted to be a coroner. Sounds like a great job, eh? I was just so into crime/cop shows and I always thought the coroner's job seemed like the coolest. And besides...if you messed something up, it's not like you'd kill the person! (Great mindset, I know). But then in Grade 10 Careers class, we had to search jobs, and all the steps it would take to get there, and then I discovered that in order to be a coroner you have to be a surgeon first. Not ideal. Having someone's life on my hands freaked me out. That's probably why I don't look for lifeguarding jobs outside of my camp. So coroner was crossed off the list. Throughout all this, being a teacher was the LAST thing on my mind. Staying in school for the rest of my life? Ew! No thank you.

But then, in Grade 12, I took Co-op class, where we'd go to a workplace and shadow the people. I'm sure you all know what Co-op is. Now, when I was in elementary school, I started learning the violin. I became quite good at it, and I really loved my teacher! So when I learned that I could do Co-op anywhere, my mom thought of my old music teacher. After I discovered I didn't have to do an interview because she already new me, I thought I'd give it a shot. Easy work, people I knew, great!

So every other afternoon, I would walk the 15 minutes to my elementary school, and I would help out in the strings class. Basically my job was to sit with the kids and play alongside them, and if any of them were having difficulty, I would take them outside and work with them. I shortly discovered that I was actually helping the kids improve, and they all respected me and really liked me because I was nice to them, and I never yelled at them like the other teachers did from time to time (they never learned that yelling doesn't make the kids listen, it just makes them hate you).

Then I realized that I really did like Co-op, and it was fun playing along with the kids, and it helped with my own sight-reading as well, so when I was playing my harder pieces in high school I improved a lot. Anyways, for some reason, I decided that I was going to be a teacher, even though for all those years I swore it would never happen. I just thought, well this must be what God wants for me! I'd always been good with kids, I had lots of experience working with them, and now I was loving Co-op, so why not?

That is...until I got into first year university at Brock, the BEST Con-Ed program in Canada, or Ontario at least...don't quote me on that. At first, I started off loving it! I was there with one of my best friends, who I think in some way influenced my decision to be a teacher, I was FINALLY living on my own, in a house with three other amazing girls, and life was good! But then things started getting harder. Now, of course, this is natural, because it's a huge transition and for some reason all the first year professors get together and decide that they're going to make life hell for us. But I finished off Grade 12 with a 93 average, and by the end of first semester at Brock, my average was in the 60s. Not great. I know this happens to everyone, but even my mom was thinking that maybe social sciences wasn't the best thing for me.

Now remember, just because your marks are lower in university does NOT mean you should switch programs! This was not the only factor for me, and honestly, everyone gets low marks in first year! So don't sweat it! :)

Now, there's still a part of me saying "Hey, maybe keep going for a second year! Maybe it's just first year, and once you've adjusted you'll be fine!" But there's also a part of me that doesn't really want to be a teacher, because it scares the crap out of me. Speaking in front of people? Not my forte. Whether it's giving a presentation in class, answering a question in class, or even praying out loud, I get red in the face and my heart starts beating a mile a minute, literally. And speaking in front of people is what a teacher does every day from 9-3. Also, there's an even bigger part of me pushing towards a different career path: Film.

Why film? Well, in Grade 12 Media Studies, one of our assignments was to take a song and edit it into another video that somehow related to the lyrics. I was partnered with my friend, and we decided to take the song Today Was A Fairytale by Taylor Swift (a personal favourite) and mix it with Disney's Cinderella. Together, we watched the entire movie (which was a party in itself :D) and we chose certain scenes that worked well with the lyrics of the song. After we found the scenes, we tried to make it into a powerpoint with video clips, but that did NOT work out, obviously. So when I got home, with help from my tech-savvy dad, I found the clips on YouTube and edited them into iMovie. And I don't want to toot my own horn, but honestly, it was pretty amazing. My dad shows it to all of his guitar students who want to learn that song, LOL! I think we got 100% on the project in the end. That's when I started thinking about pursuing film, but I kept shoving it out of my brain thinking "No, Sophie, you want to be a teacher!"  So I went to school to be a teacher.

Now, in December of 2012, when I was home for the Christmas break, I had been looking on my tumblr and I saw a few posts about Jack and Finn Harries, the YouTubers. I decided to check out Jacksgap, their channel, and let me tell you, I was hooked after the first video. Watching them led to me watching all the other YouTubers that were in their videos, and then I just kept watching more and more YouTubers. I became fascinated with the art of talking to a camera and how it changed so many peoples' lives! I thought it was a really cool thing to do, and honestly, I tried to make a video or two myself. But let's be real..I'm super awkward talking to a camera. I'm sure if I did it more I would grow more comfortable, and I really wanted to, but I had to focus on school, and didn't have time to think up videos, let alone make them. Plus, the only way to film them was on my MacBook, and the quality was terrible.

Anyways, I would watch the videos, and I noticed how I would pay such close attention to how the people edited their videos so well! It was amazing! I have started paying attention to editing in TV shows and movies as well, as I am a junkie (as you can tell from my last post). This made me really realize that film editing is something I'm very interested in, and I would like to pursue a career in it!

So, me being the conflicted, poor decision maker I am, I am currently stuck between wanting to pursue a degree in Film, and not wanting to leave Con-Ed in case I regret it. I'm trying to have the mindset that one of my favourite YouTubers and Bloggers, Zoella, has: to just say "Yes", but it's hard to get into that place where I can say "yes" to anything. I know I have to do it, and I know I eventually will, but I'm having a HUGE internal battle with myself over my future, and there are too many "What if"s.

So here I am. Sorry this was so long, but I really wanted to get it into writing, in hopes that it would help make my decision a bit easier. Let's see what happens once exams are over.

Cheerio!
xoxo Sophie